All in your hands

I am feeling so down. Yesterday was a very, very hard day. Ian started talking to me about thoughts in his head that he was going to die, insurance was giving me the run around, and every psychiatrist they told me to contact wouldn't take Ian's case for one reason or another. The last one I called told me I should take Ian to the emergency room. I was still going around in circles with insurance and after they told me they would get back to me in about two weeks, I lost it. Two weeks!! Hello, the child is suicidal!! I started crying and could not stop. I felt like they did not care, that no one cared. Someone must care, somewhere! I finally called our Decision Care through our medical insurance and she told me to take him to emergency. I told her insurance was giving me the run around and that the hospital psychiatry dept. is not contracted with the insurance (even though the rest of the hospital is and ins. has sent us there several times). She told me to forget insurance, that Ian needed to be in emergency and she made me promise I would go. She even called me back to make sure I was going. I called Tim to come home right away. I was so upset, I knew I could not make the drive to Children's.

On the way his pediatrician called and then he called the hospital to let them know we were on the way. When we got there, they knew exactly who we were and had everything all ready. It was the easiest check-in I had ever had!

They put a guard outside our door, the social worker stopped by and two psychologist came to chat. I was actually quite amused that we had a guard. I guess they didn't want us or Ian running off or Ian to hurt himself. The social worker just introduced herself and then we never saw her again. Maybe she was just taking a quick survey of us to see what we might be like and if there might be reason for a more serious concern. The psychologists talked to Ian for awhile while we filled out paperwork and then they talked to Tim and then both of us. They feel that Ian wasn't really suicidal, that he was mostly worried about something happening to him. The psychologist still suggested we lock up the scissors and that we still keep an eye on him. They also do not think that Ian has bipolar. They do however think that he has Aspergers.

I've been sure for a very long time that Ian had Aspergers, but his doctor at children's ruled it out. However, now we have two psychologists that strongly thinks he does. Not only that, but when Ian's pediatrician talked to the head of the psychiatry dept at children's, they both thought Aspergers!

So tomorrow we are headed back to children's to see the psychiatrist. Insurance is not paying for this, however this guy is supposed to be an expert in the field and we are tired of fooling around while every doctor gives us a different diagnosis. This psychiatrist comes highly recommended and the psychologists assure us that he will be able to help us and provide an actual real diagnosis and help us to pick up all the pieces and put them together that we have been trying to juggle. I certainly hope so, because I am exhausted!!!

As to why I'm so down.... It feels to me like we are back at the beginning, before we started this long process more than two years ago. Tim disagrees, says that we have found out a lot and made a lot of progress. Maybe so, but it also feels like a lot of our time has been wasted. Then I think about all the medicine we have tried Ian on and how all of it has caused adverse effects. Have we been treating him for the wrong things? Giving him medicine after medicine and watching him slip into depression; it has been horrible! What if all the doctors are wrong? I can't do this to him anymore! I can't do this to us anymore! What must he be feeling? I can only guess...

All I can do is pray and pray and try to leave things in God's hands. I can't do anything more and I can't do this by myself. Please God, we need your help! Ian needs your help!